Yo, the stylish man about town
whose brand-new, silk-lined calfskin jacket
says--nay screams--
I'm bad...
I'm nationwide.
The salesperson says it brings out the many subtle shadings of me--
pensive...
Strong...
Sexy.
Are you sure that you're sexy, Mike?
For the real sexy, I wear nothing but the jacket.
Please stick with pensive and strong.
Good morning. Good morning.
Did anyone see that documentary on american pottery last night?
O.k., why does everyone around here think I'm the dull one?
I don't know, James. Why don't we ask your shiny rock collection?
Last night I watched this beautiful video about 2 lonely women
who find love and passion in each other's arms.
Really? What was it called?
I haven't titled it yet.
I wrote a how-do-you-do letter to my new anonymous friend.
Using "anonymous" and "friend" together is missing the concept.
No, no. She's my pen pal.
My church set us up through their lonely christians program.
O.k. Again I'd like to challenge my status as the dull one.
In my letter I described myself as witty, well-read,
possessing a certain natural Grace.
Next order of business-- the office refrigerator. Paul...
As much as we admire your thrift,
your leftovers are becoming a danger to the community.
Is that nasty, half-eaten tuna fish sandwich still in there?
Oh, yeah. And it's taken a bottle of ketchup
and 2 ring dings hostage.
The dry cleaner said he can clean the coat, no problem.
Ah, I love mr. Kim. Yeah, but he was lying.
How can you know that?
I can tell when people are lying. It's a gift.
- I have a friend who can do the same thing. - No, you don't.
O.k., it's a friend of a friend.
So, the other day when Carter said he was feeling sick and he had to go home early...
Hey, I--I was feeling a little...
Sale at Barney's.
What if I were to say...
That I were the world's greatest lover.
I'd say you believe it to be true.
All right. That's good enough for me.
O.k. Last item.
Mayor's daughter Meg is flying in from Berkeley for a visit. Why is this good?
'Cause it means college girls are on vacation?
No. It is an opportunity to show him
as a normal family guy, a struggling single parent
like any other struggling single parent,
except for the mansion, the limo, and the staff of servants.
She was adorable in the mayor's campaign ads.
Girl scout uniform was a vote-getter. Wonder if she could still squeeze into it.
Hi, everybody.
Hey, Meg. How are you?
Good.
I'd like to see her try.
- Stuart? - What? It wasn't me!
You are coming along nicely.
Why don't we wait till after the press conference?
Come on. Your dad's dying to see you,
and, uh, you look great.
You hate the shirt. No, I love the shirt.
They didn't have one your size?
Then it's about the belly ring, isn't it?
I am crazy about the belly ring.
Maybe we can hook the, uh, shirt onto it.
(Chuckles) Mike, this is my favorite shirt.
I am not gonna defile it by putting a piece of metal through it.
If you have any other problems with my appearance, just...
You're staring at my tattoo?
I--I was staring at your-- at your hair.
What's wrong with my hair?
It's not covering your tattoo.
You know, Mike, I am this close
to giving you a full-on lecture on freedom of expression.
There you go. No offense to you or mr. 3-headed snake.
O.k., am I ready now?
Yeah, nah. It's just you look a little... chilly. Here.
Why don't you slip this on?
We are gonna have so much fun today.
We got a lot of plans. We're going down to central park.
We're gonna watch your dad renew the city's hansom cab licenses.
You always loved the horsies.
Mike, hansom cabs are an abject form of cruelty
in which beautiful animals are subjected
to consistently inhumane conditions.
I'll let you pet 'em.
Excuse me, everybody. I'm sorry to interrupt, sir.
The mayor's daughter just arrived from college,
and the Bond of love between these two is so strong,
she literally cannot wait one more minute to see her dad. Go ahead.
Hello, Megan.
Hello, father. (Sighs)
so, for those of you writing in your notepad,
that's "surprise visit", "strong Bond"...
"Touching family moment."
Is there anything there for anonymous? That's me.
Paul, when a package shows up addressed to anonymous,
it usually winds up in a special bin downstairs
along with the mail that ticks.
How about this, huh, huh? Is this for me?
Unless you plan to compete in this year's gay olympics... no.
Huh. Now, the pole vault...
Is that an actual event
or just something you do at the party afterwards?
Oh, it's an event... Right after the homophobe toss.
I'm going up to 2, o. k.?
Maybe they got my mail there by accident.
Is it my imagination,
or has Paul actually become more lonely and needy?
You know, we used to have a ton of fun when Paul was with Claudia.
Who was Claudia, a hypnotist?
James! I have got an assignment for you.
I need you to hang out with the mayor's daughter.
I need that, too.
Just keep her away from the mayor or any political event.
Hey, Mike? I'm free.
Why wouldn't you ask me to look after the mayor's daughter?
Same reason they don't give guns to monkeys.
I thought we could start by taking a tour of the city.
James, I lived in new York my whole life.
Well, there's still a lot of new stuff to see.
You ever seen the statue of liberty?
I had sex in the torch.
Did you get a chance to see the view?
Hey, have you ever had anything pierced?
My eardrum once. I got hit in a corn shucking contest.
(Giggles)
that is so funny.
Couldn't swim all summer. (Chuckles)
oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were joking.
Oh, I was. I...
Gotcha. (Giggles)
hey, what do you say we ditch the tour--
go the village, get some coffee?
Oh, I'd really like that.
And don't worry.
I know you're supposed to keep me away from my dad
so that I don't cause any trouble.
You do? Well, I do now.
This hansom cab thing is all set.
Now, there's gonna be a lot of press there,
so we don't want a repeat of what happened last year.
I thought last year went well.
Sir, in front of 100 reporters, you leaned over to me and said,
"hey, look, Mike, it's a boy horse."
Well, it was.
So, uh, I--I take it Meg's gonna meet us at the park.
Actually, I believe she has other plans.
How--how do you know that?
Well, I kind of made them for her.
Look, sir, kids change a lot when they go away to college.
I mean, I know I did.
Before I went to fordham, I--I was a large scandinavian woman.
Nothing, huh? O.k., sir.
All I'm saying is that--that it's completely understandable
that things might be a little...
Awkward between you and Meg.
Things weren't awkward.
I might have misinterpreted. Hey.
Maybe it was the absence of touching and the total lack of eye contact.
That's the way we say hello in Connecticut.
Mike, I love Meg more than anything in the whole world.
I know that you do, sir.
And I'm proud of what she has become!
Even though it seems like she's grown up overnight,
I'm still as close to her as I was to my own father...
God rest his soul.
- Sir? - Yeah?
Your father's still alive.
Oh, that's right.
Just got my first letter from anonymous. You wanna hear it?
Wait, how long is this letter?
19 pages. But it all rhymes.
Gee. What's a woman like that doing in a lonely hearts club?
"To whom it may concern..."
That sounds way too personal. Why don't you read it on your own?
No, no, no, no. My life is an open book to you people.
Close it.
O.k., I have the solution to the Paul problem.
Great. Where are we gonna hide the body?
I told Claudia to meet us here.
We're all gonna go to the new exhibit at the guggenheim.
I've lived in new York my entire life and never been to a museum.
I'm not gonna ruin it now.
I'm surprised, Stuart. There's a lot of nude sculptures.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Can you touch 'em?
Claudia's gonna walk in the door, see Paul--
- bam--love will take over. - Oh, lord.
Oh. (Chuckles) hey, Paulie.
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Claudia. Can't talk. Reading a letter.
Bam!
(Applause)
thank you, thank you.
Meg should have been here. She always loved horses, you know.
She could ride sidesaddle, English, and...
Bareback? I don't think so.
Crowd: Oh!
Apparently she's been taking lessons, sir.
Nice.
What is he doing? He's pacing.
Thinks if he lets the tension build, when he finally talks, it's gonna scare us.
James. Aah!
This is ridiculous, Mike. I am not a little girl anymore.
Oh, I--I know that, believe me.
The whole city knows that.
So what? I was nude.
If I were a man, we wouldn't even be having this discussion.
That's right, we wouldn't.
Because if you were a man and you rode naked on a horse,
you'd be in the hospital right now.
Well, James is on my side. Right, James?
Yeah. Right. I'm with you.
Mike... I really don't think you have any right to tell Megan--
James, go to your desk. Yeah, you got it.
Um, can I call you sometime?
Mike, the whole world should know
the plight of those poor horses.
What is the correlation between riding nude on a horse
and a horse's happiness?
O.k., I understand for that one horse.
All I know is I got my dad's attention.
No doubt about that. It's in every paper.
You know, this is really gonna hurt him.
You know, Mike, if this is such a big problem,
then how come he's not here talking to me?
Because he told you to handle it, and you're just as bad as he is,
because you actually agreed to do it.
O.k. I think we're losing track of who's scolding who here.
You know what? You can...
Just tell him that there won't be any more problems,
because I'm going back to school today.
Bye, dad. Bye, honey.
Uh, sir, she's leaving.
Yeah, I sort of picked that up from "bye, dad."
I mean she's going back to college.
After one day?
Yeah. Uh, we can still catch her.
Sir, when I say "we"...
I mean both of us.
Even though I would give anything to have my daughter
standing right here in front of me...
I still wouldn't know what to say to her.
I'm sorry, sir.
Yeah, so am I.
In a few hours, my dream girl will finally have a face.
Breakthrough at the lab, Paul?
Jest if you must, but today I meet my pen pal,
and I am convinced that she is my soul mate.
20 bucks says she's a fat girl.
Are you sure you wanna do this?
Paul, the pen pal relationship...
Is a special one.
Paul, there's an openness to the written word that--
- that you may lose forever. - What are you saying?
Stuart's right. She could be large and in charge.
Hey, Paul, did you get my jacket?
Found my soul mate.
Great. Was she wearing my jacket?
Look. They did a beautiful job. Great.
Paul, they didn't get the stain out.
I told you.
Look at the rest of it! Crisp!
Did you even check the jacket before you left the store?
Of course!
Lying.
Quiet, you witch.
James, you get Megan to the airport o. k.?
No problemo.
- Again with a lie. - James.
Wait. How do you know she's not lying?
I'm not! I can tell.
Now, James...
I believe... you took the girl to the airport,
but Stuart here...
He's a little skeptical.
I just want 5 minutes alone with this punk.
Take my keys.
Take my belt.
Take my glasses.
(Clattering)
give me my glasses.
So... what airport did you take her to?
(Sniffles) probably, uh...
Laguardia, right?
Yeah, that--that was it.
That's funny.
There are no flights to Oakland from laguardia.
I'm tired of his lies, Mike!
Can I have a glass of water?
Not until you sing, Buddy.
All right, where were we? Oh, yes, airports...
Kennedy, wasn't it?
Yeah. Kennedy.
What bridge did you take? 59th street?
Triborough?
Triborough.
(Chuckles)
oh, wrong answer.
Triborough is closed.
(Growling)
let's talk about the girl. You like the girl, yes?
No, no! Yes! Mike, you're confusing me. I didn't--
tell me where she is!
Wait a second. I thought you were supposed to be the good cop.
Bad cop's more fun.
Well, then who gets to smack him around?
I do. You get to berate him.
But I do that every day.
Listen, whatever you guys are gonna do, could you do it and get it over with?
I have to meet Meg at the peta rally in central park at 3:00.
Damn.
This is so romantic.
Just once I would like a guy to say to me,
"I'll be the one wearing the red Rose."
I didn't say that. I said,
"I'll be the one at the table away from the bathroom."
You stud.
How are you gonna recognize her?
Well, in the letter, she said that she'd be wearing a purple hat.
Hello, Paulie.
Oh, hey, Claudia.
I don't mean to be rude, but I'm keeping my eye out for somebody,
so I'll see you around, all right?
By the way, great hat.
Oh, my God! Purple hat! Purple hat!
You are the man with the Rose
at a table away from the bathroom.
I missed you, Paulie!
Oh, Claudia, I missed you, too!
I missed you more!
No, I don't think that's possible.
You don't know my capacity for missing somebody.
I couldn't even concentrate!
That's nothing! I couldn't sleep! I couldn't eat!
Really? How did you stay alive?
I wasn't, Paulie.
Oh, Claudia.
Oh, let's go, Paulie.
I missed you more. Oh, you did?
Oh, honey.
Bye-bye, everybody. Oh, honey! Honey!
I'm sorry. It's o. k, honey.
We'll just walk. I'm sorry. Bye-bye. Bye.
That was so beautiful.
She was lying. She didn't write that letter.
Carter?
Believe me, this is the best thing for Paul.
We have 2 choices. We can either go there
and stop her from speaking to these activists,
or we can have the police break up the rally before it starts.
I'm just gonna stay right here.
O.k., sir, I'm gonna go over your options again.
You don't, uh... Know what it's like
to have a daughter, do you, Mike?
Sir, I don't know what it's like to have a plant.
You just--you have to reach out to Meg.
You know what scares me the most, Mike?
That I have missed some of the biggest moments in my daughter's life,
that I've always put my job first, and that I--
I haven't always been the best of fathers.
And if I asked her,
she'd say that she doesn't love me anymore.
(Scoffs) she won't say that.
May--maybe she will, but she won't mean it.
Hell, Mike, I wouldn't even know where to start.
Just make a gesture, sir, like send her a card.
Take her out for dinner.
Stop her from making damaging statements at an animal rights rally.
Forget the politics, Mike.
Right now, I'm telling the truth when I say that I do not care about politics.
Yes, you do.
I know.
Meg... doesn't want to do this.
She--she just wants to get your attention.
She just wants you to do something
to prove that you care about her.
Yeah. Janelle, would you call for the limousine?
We need to be in central park in 10 minutes!
All traffic lights on the East side are out. You're not getting anywhere.
(Horns honking)
# (rossini: William tell overture)
that's it, there! Watch out! Get outta the way!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Whoo-ah! Whoo-ah! Hut! Hut! Ho!
Thank you, thank you.
I'd start by urging these people not to vote for the mayor
based on his animal rights record alone.
O.k....
(Horse hooves clomping)
good afternoon, everybody.
Hyah! Ha! Daddy!
Ha! Whoa, seabiscuit!
Watch the bus! That was 10 blocks ago.
The cab! We're in central park.
A Lady with a cane! Just hop off.
I hope my chute opens. (Grunts)
Meg, I'm so glad you're here.
I'm sorry. I think we need to talk.
Now? I've got nowhere to be,
or not to be, if that is the question.
Here.
(Grunting)
hah!
Well, folks, I'm sorry.
Looks like your front page story just rode off into the sunset.
Nice jacket. Thank you very much.
What's it made of? This is calfskin, actually.
Oh, no!
Do you think it'll come out, sir?
Maybe with a little club soda.
See, Mike, the thing is...
She was acting up right underneath my nose,
and I was too involved with my own life to notice.
But no more! The new Randall Winston
is an attentive father, eh?
Oh. By the way, if you see my daughter,
tell her I'm looking for her.
Sure thing, sir.
He saw us, didn't he?
Winston: Aaaaagghh!
Hard to tell.
Man: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(Barking)
moo.